Aries
KERBLAM! The Moon is entering your House of Cartoons, which might be why you’re feeling a bit flat lately. Spritz some BIGARADE 18 and—ZWOOSH!—watch the depth and technicolor return to everything. That’s all, folks!
Taurus
Now that you’ve binged 14 episodes of that medical drama, emptied the family-sized candy drawer and gone through a 50ml bottle of CITRON 28 in one weekend, it’s time to acknowledge this wasn’t a recharge—you short-circuited. But thanks to the CITRON, you still have all the power.
Gemini
Pluto is entering your House of Grown Up Behavior. Good news: you’ll no longer feel anxious about the foolish things you said. Bad news: you’ll start to feel anxious about the cool things you didn’t say.
Cancer
Is that you, Cancer? We almost didn’t recognize you in that delicious TABAC 28. Smoky seduction smells amazing on you. The Moon will bring romance into your orbit this month, and honestly… we’re kind of jealous.
Leo
A glowing review from your boss will finally soothe your long term impostor syndrome. Unless, of course, your boss is an impostor too… In which case, wait… who's running the office?
Virgo
The Sun’s impromptu return to Virgo illuminates a rare opportunity for you to be impulsive this season. But don’t stress—we’re telling you about it now, so that you can plan exactly how to do it.
Libra
Spritzing CUIR 28 makes it feel like you can be in two places at once, Libra. Which is why you’re stuck in traffic on the FDR—but also somehow meeting your date at the Burj Khalifa in five.
Scorpio
With Venus entering your House of Snappy Comebacks, you’ll find yourself delivering the perfect line at the perfect time—instead of five minutes too late, like usual. Use this new gift wisely, as it will disappear in five minutes.
Sagittarius
Mercury has departed your House of Let’s Get Outta Here. Time to follow its lead: MYRRHE 55 is the getaway car, and your nose is riding shotgun.
Capricorn
Grab a bottle of GAIAC 10 when you can, Capricorn. It’ll be the best escape route when you run into your ex at the drugstore while buying a squeegee and some foot cream.
Aquarius
Uh-oh! Saturn is drunk in your House of Misguided Optimism. Ignore ALL reckless impulses to buy that $400 amulet with “financial healing powers” on Ama—and we’re too late.
Pisces
Neptune is entering your House of Jerry-built Brutalist Architecture. Prepare to build a six-story laundry pile on the chair in your bedroom. Spray some ALDEHYDE 44 and pretend it’s an installation.
